c o m e f i n d m e

I find myself floating in an ocean of endless,

Endless lies, regrets, heartbreaks and sorrows.

I can’t prevent myself from getting breathless,

So now I’m drowning in and my throat narrows.


And now I’m slowly falling into this abyss,

As the darkness steadily devours me into itself.

The ocean is weirdly quiet with a certain bliss, ‘n,

I am plummeting closer to the continental shelf.


I squint my eyes observing the bubbles coming out,

Slowly and steadily emptying myself out of my breath.

I shut my eyes close as you reach to me in my mind,

Holding out your hand and offering me an easy death.


And like the guardian angel you were supposed to be,

Offering me an easy way out just to end my suffering.

I wish someone understood how much my head’s killing me

Nobody but you realize how much this pain’s crippling.


So I tried for you, I tried to live my life for you,

And I failed at living life and now I can’t strive.

I can’t help myself but regret all the chances I blew,

So now you see, I am truly dead but still alive.


Inside I’m severely wounded and hurt but I’m trying,

And believe me when I say, without you, I can’t see.

I’m totally lost in my own head and I’m always crying,

Now I’m wishing you’d understand and come find me.


” c u r    e g o    s u m    v i v e n s ? “



w h y ?

It is 11-O-3 now and I’m still very alone,

But I never thought this would happen.

I’m sitting cold and my heart’s turned to stone,

My eyes hurt and head’s bursting like a cannon.


Every night I lay in my bed thinking of you,

Remembering the memories ‘n good times.

When I made you leave; you bid me adieu,

So now I am paying for all my crimes.


Now I am paranoid; much more than ever,

And my mind ‘n body are calling for a truce.

I’m falling into a void ‘n my meaning’s getting lesser,

My mind’s getting foggy as I am tightening the noose.


I hope you’d believe me when I tell you this,

Your soul and your smile are a work of art.

Your presence is ecstatic and your voice bliss,

And every time you laugh, you pilfer my heart.


My life’s dull, eyes blur and colors they lack,

Also, missing are all the stars from my sky.

On 12-O-9, you swore you’d never come back,

So now my only question to you is, “w h y?”


"q  u  i  d    t  i  b  i    e  s  t  ?"

credits to the creator of the song


İkinci Cinayet

Curtains shudder as the wind blows,

Past them and into the room,

Bird chirp as the leaves flow,

And sunlight makes the flowers bloom.

In the center of the room is a bed,

The sheets; white and so are the pillows.

Inches away I sit on a chair instead,

Vision blurred and my face sallow.

Shaking my head as I attempt,

To bring my senses back and then,

The needle in my hand pokes against,

Against my hard and comatose skin.

The room is awfully bright and there’s,

A weird sense of aroma flowing through,

Utterly familiar; into me it brings a fear,

Sitting amidst blood; the fear outgrew.

The room’s empty in my head,

But there’s a lifeless body on the bed,

Desiccated of blood and soul,

Faceless and not so whole.

Hands brutally severed and,

Body stripped entirely bare,

Pool of blood on the sheet and,

Pints of blood on the floor.

Tongue missing from the mouth,

And socket of the eyes hollow,

A stake through the mouth and,

Written on wall was ‘FOLLOW.’

A strange feeling comes over me,

As I stare at the faceless figure,

A feeling of closeness ‘n affection,

So familiar and known, as if a mirror.

Wondering if this my life is,

Just a violent destroyer,

Innocent looking; still destroying,

People’s life and happiness.

Happiness of everyone around,

Everyone very close to me,

Everyone who cares for me,

Everyone who dares to love me,

Everyone who sees a friend in me,

Everyone who finds hope in me,

Everyone who tries to heal me,

I break ’em, wreck ’em ‘n scar them.

Killing the human in them,

Traumatizing ’em mentally,

And emotionally, and this,

Humane look a mere facade.

Then very soon the drugs kick in, ‘n,

My heart starts to beat haphazardly,

My body starts to shiver ‘n convulse,

And the needle falls out of my hand.

And my head arches back suddenly,

Then my eyes roll back into my head,

And my face gazes up at the ceiling,

As my hands clench the armrest.

Groaning loudly, I, as the,

Blood starts gushing out my eyes,

‘N my pulse goes crazy, and I,

Start slipping into unconsciousness.

Just then the figure stands up,

Stands up and walks over to me,

As she stands right in front of me,

Extracting the stake out her mouth.

She trusses the stake into my chest,

And I look at her faceless profile, ‘n,

She leans closer ‘n kisses my mouth,

Pushing the stake even more instead.

My eyes roll back, as my body,

Stops convulsing and I look,

At the faceless being, as she slowly,

Begins dissipating ‘n fading away.

I gasp ‘n fight for breaths, as I,

Spew out blood, black and thick,

Rolling down the sides o’ my cheeks,

And my body falls onto the floor.

I take my very last breaths,

Realizing the blood in the room,

Is my own blood and I,

Close my eyes; passing into oblivion.

This is my ‘İkinci’, the second,

Another ‘cinayet’, but not the end.

Dying Star

Confined within my thoughts,

Isolated within these walls,

Hearing voices inside my head,

Could you torch me up instead?

Unable to comprehend love anymore,

Lost in the abyss of my head somewhere,

Stuck in an endless dream, aren’t I?

Continuing to wonder who am I?

Now everything in my vision,

A little black and a little grey,

Penning down these words,

Wondering why didn’t I stay?

Words rhyme in my head as the,

Music fades in and out and,

My head grooves to the melody,

Now music’s my only catharsis.

Anxiety has caged in my reality,

Happiness is a mere formality.

Darkness has made me a prisoner,

Memories have made me even weaker.

Now the night is cold and silent,

And I’m dousing like a dying star,

Pondering, should I continue to pretend?

Or, should I give up in this war?




i will be okay ~

The Butterfly

Lying in the shade of a tree,

With my eyes closed, as I,

Yearn to find calm ‘n peace,

Pondering about life ‘n reality,

Sun shines brightly in the sky,

And flowers bloom in the distance,

Yet my mind seems to be troubled,

Troubled with thoughts of nihility.

Opening my eyes, as I look across,

Across the green field,

Full of flowers, leaves ‘n grass.

Into the darkness as my mind wanders,

Questioning if it would be fair to end,

To end it all ‘n simply cease to exist,

As my individuality ‘n soul maunder.

I push the thoughts away, as I,

Shake my head and look out,

Out into the endless field o’ greenery,

A greenery so exuberant ‘n lively.

Squinting my eyes as I,

Rivet my gaze onto the flying,

The flying butterfly.

A small happy creature,

Full of life and color,

Full of joy and energy,

Full of amazement and simplicity.

Fluttering its wings in the air,

It flies past above me, as it,

Leaves me awestruck, surprisingly.

My eyes stay stuck on it,

As it flies past me, merrily,

Landing on one flower to another,

Giving life to lifeless, giving raw to obsolete.

I get up as my feet start following,

The little creature, watching it move ahead,

Watching it give birth to dead,

As if it may as well be the Resurrector itself.

Putting 2 ‘n 2 together as I realize,

It’s not just a little creature, rather,

It’s the Healer – the Messiah itself, ‘n here,

Here to remit my life ‘n soul back.

The butterfly lands on a grass petal,

Exposing it’s beauty and charm.

Luring me in; to touch, to explore,

Begging me to traverse through itself.

My heart thumps loudly, as I,

Extend towards the Healer; attempting to,

To touch it, to explore it, to scrutinize it.

As I get up-n-close with it,

My heart skips a beat, and,

My body starts turning to dust,

Descending ‘n plummeting to the ground.

Momentarily I look down to find, my body,

My body vanishing into thin air,

Dust flowing away, exposing the ground beneath.

My fingers touch the wings then,

As I look back up towards it,

Finding it to transform in a shadow, as it,

Disappears into the white light o’ the sun.

Vanishes into nothingness, my body,

As the dust falls onto the ground,

It turns to ash; black and lifeless,

I turned into nothingness again,

Born from ash, returned to ash.

Is this my fate? I wonder.

Is this my destiny? I wonder.

Is this my end? I wonder.

Is this my…? I wonder.

The butterfly flutters its wings, as it,

Flies into the sky; happily and cheerfully.

Vanishing into the light before,

Soaring right back through the air,

And, falling to its death into the ash,

Yet giving life to lifeless; one last time.



~ you were the butterfly.

A letter to…

Dear you,

Someday, somewhere, sometime, we all come across someone in our life who, we believe, is the one made for us. Someone who makes sense of everything they do, everything they say and everything they think. It all just seems right and it all makes you not want to question it. Someone who understands you more than anyone ever has, someone who sees the real you in yourself and holds onto it; and never lets go. Someone who truly makes you happy without even trying to do so, someone who makes you feel content of your life and your decisions. Decisions that led you to that ‘someone’. Decisions that you will never regret.

When you look at that ‘someone’, you feel like your life is complete and that it will never be gloomy again. You feel like you have found the key to live a long, happy and prosperous life. You feel like you have found your soulmate, your partner, the other half of you. Someone who fits beside you perfectly in that jigsaw puzzle we call ‘life’. We wish to hold onto that someone forever and ever. We wish to be a part of their life just like they are a part of ours. We wish to be their ‘someone’, who they would want to spend the rest of their lives with. For me, you are that ‘someone’. I know you are not my first, but I promise you that you’d my last and I will cherish and love you forever and ever, until I’m alive. I know that I have made a lot of mistakes and I have done a lot of wrong things that I shouldn’t have and yet, you have forgiven me for all of those things.

I know that I am not a good person and you try your best to make me one, to show me the right path, to stop me from doing wrong things; all out of pure love and affection. I know that I haven’t treated you fairly, I haven’t loved you back enough, I haven’t been honest with you like I should have, yet you hold onto me with hope glistening in your eyes. It feels like someone’s stabbing me every time my actions or my words hurt you. I never want them to hurt you, I don’t intend to hurt you, it just… it happens. I know that I am a messed up soul and a very bad human being, yet you do not wish to give up on me. I don’t know what you see in me which makes you want to hold on even more; but I am glad you see something in me. You are the only one who has chosen to see good in me even though I’m full of wrongdoings and lies and hatred and betrayal. Even though I am glad that you have chosen me and you still choose to hold on, I wish… I wish you hadn’t. I wish you had chosen someone else because I would never be able to give you all you want and all that I have promised to give you. I am a lost soul trying to find light but I keep stumbling towards darkness even more, every day and every time. I wish that I could keep you happy and give you a life you deserve. But with me, it’ll never be able to happen. I hope that the good part of me doesn’t give up on you and keeps holding on just like you do, because it would kill me to see you cry. It would kill me to see your heart break into pieces as I would leave. I know I am not the best for you, and I know I will never be able to be the best for you, but what can I do now? I’ve held onto you and I cannot let go because losing you is like losing my sanity. I wish someday, somewhere, sometime, your heart decides to let go because that will be the best for you. You will be happier with someone else; trust me when I say this.

I will always love you and care about you. You are my eternity and I hope you forgive me.

Yours and just yours,


Won’t You Make Me Stay?


Undeserving of this crown, I am,

Now verily breaking down, I am.

Unable to tackle this anymore, as I,

Struggle to unshackle my core.

“Hold on”, everybody told me,

“I’ll be there for you”, they said.

Though, nobody ever held me,

Always gave up on me, they did.

Help me, isn’t there anyone to?

Pull me out of mess, would you?

Purging the sadness, as I,

Break down and cry.

Bidding farewell to everyone, as I,

Still can’t bid adieu to my demons.

Running away from ’em, as I,

Wish for someone to hold me.

Wish for someone to love me, ‘n

Wish for someone to save me.

“Won’t you hold onto me?”, I say,

As my life shatters like glass.

And, as my heart breaks into pieces, I say,

“Won’t you make me stay?”




“We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Satan.”




~ sorry…

İlk Cinayet

The room’s dark ‘n empty, and,

I stand in the corner, as I,

Stare at the being, in the chair,

Sitting under the dim light.

Trussed to the chair ‘ n constrained,

Gagged ‘n muzzled, as he,

Sees my silhouette, in the corner,

While I stand, watching in silence.

Approaching him slowly, as I,

Extract a knife. Caressing the blade,

As I, stare at him with an evil grin.

His head hangs low, as he,

Stares into the abyss under his feet.

Putting my hand on his shoulder, as I,

In his chest, wedge the knife.

He screams in pain ‘n agony, whilst,

I feel contented and beatific.

Watching the blood, gushing out,

His mouth, the hole in his chest,

Warms my heart, gives me pleasure.

Whilst his eyes, tear up. His heart,

Sinks to the lowest. His mind,

Regrets. Regrets for letting me out,

For letting me take over, over this body,

Over this mind. Control ‘n command,

Finally mine. Dominating the mind now, as I,

Chuckle over his fate, his resolution.

Kneeling down before him, as I,

Withdraw the blade, lifting his face up.

His eyes filled with fear ‘n horror, and,

His face stricken with terror and distress.

Begging forgiveness, as he stares,

Glancing down my soul, crying ‘n imploring.

His heart regrets, regrets for letting,

Letting me out, out and free.

Grabbing his face, as I, staring,

Into his eyes, smirking a little, before I,

Carve a smile on his face, across his cheeks.

A smile for all those fake smiles,

A smile for all those forced smiles.

Blood drips from his chin, as he,

Wails in torture, suffering in discomfort.

Grinning as I say, “You liked smiling, eh?”

Looking at me, he struggles,

Struggles to counter.

“Now you’ll smile forever”, saying as I,

Push the blade into his oesophagus.

Choking onto his breath, blood dripping,

Down his face ‘n throat, as he,

Vies to survive, to hold on, to live.

His eyes stay wide open, as he,

Takes his last breath, ‘n his soul,

Vanishing into oblivion, for ever.

Whilst his face, smiling, forever and ever, ’till

Flesh rots and decays into dust, disappearing.

And, broken out of my dreams, I have,

Stepped out of my subconscious,

My dreams, the virtuality, the fantasy.

I’m no hallucination, any more. I am,

Wholly reality, iron truth, and,

Alive and breathing, whilst,

He has vanished into the abyss.

This is my ‘İlk’, my foremost,

More to come, more ‘cinayet’.

Amende Honorable – Vale

Standin’ on the edge of the balcony,

I stare out into the cold ‘n dead darkness.

Cold wind blows through the lifeless street,

Bidding farewell with sadness, the Moon

Extends towards the horizon, dipping away.

Clock’s ticking ‘n ticking, way past 3,

Looking down into the endless void, I,

Nod along as the voice speaks to me.

“Go ahead”, the Devil says, as he,

Grins at me, cursing my soul ‘n life.

Cold, sadistic, deceiving ‘n masochistic,

For I, the son of Devil himself,

Egress ‘n regress to me old self.

“I implore mercy, oh thee Satan”,

Disappearing, as I, from humanity,

Exanimate and lacklustre, it is.

Falling into the void, as I,

Scribble my own life’s ‘Script’.

Nothing is real, apprehending as I,

Feel sorry for all my sins, and,

Remorsing for bein’ evil ‘n immoral.

“Apologies for breaking your heart, baby.

Apologies for lying to you, baby.

Apologies for leaving you, baby.

Apologies for being heartless, baby.

Apologies for being… me, baby.”

Saying, as I, realize I am just different.

Closing my eyes, as I desiderate,

Her warmth, her love, her arms.

Wanting to hold onto her, as I,

Finally let go off the good.

Perceiving that everything fades, as I,

Drop onto the floor, as life escapes,

Out of me, as I pass into oblivion.

For I, gone like the winter wind, ‘n,

Forever ceasing to exist.

Transitioning into my limbo, as I,

Bid adieu to you, my life, and humanity.

“Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” – John 8:44

This one is for you, Panda.

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