To be able
you must first
To be able
you must first
Plenty years have now passed and,
I’m still conflicted with my thoughts.
It seems my heart and my mind,
Are stuck in a circle of endless disputes.
I wish I could tell you how lost I feel,
Either with my words or with my efforts.
Like amidst a crowded subway, I reel,
Or forsaken in an eternal gloomy forest.
And my thoughts have made me be,
Perpetually scared of my own image.
Controlled by my mind – don’t you see,
I’m forced to don a coward’s visage.
Now I don’t think I even remember,
The last time when I openly smiled.
And I don’t think I even remember,
The last time I felt a sense of delight.
So I hang myself with the incoming flow,
‘Cause I’m not sure what’s real anymore.
I’ve forgotten the feeling of being close to,
Another human or that person I adore.
Why don’t you believe me when I profess,
That I genuinely feel eminently useless.
My deeds, my words are all meaningless,
So without further ado I wish to confess.
I confess I am not sure who I want,
I confess I am not sure what I want.
I confess I long for an eternal hiatus,
I confess I long for a serene quietus.
We human beings are animals,
Filthy, sadistic and downright disgusting.
Some normal and some cannibals,
Trying to exist in peace by simply adjusting.
We all get up every morning,
Then put on a tie and slap on a smile.
Unaware of when we’d be mourning,
Pushing away happiness and forced to exile.
We are always in an endless race to chase,
Excellence, beauty and indefinite perfection.
Neglecting the idea that we could also embrace,
The grandeur and magnificence of imperfection.
It would be about time if we realize,
Death is eternal and so is depression.
Existence is transient and everyone dies.
Also happiness is a mere hallucination.
We always blame the unknown,
For all the fuck ups in our life.
And endless sins we must atone,
To earn safe haven in the afterlife.
We all wonder if the world would be,
A better place without our existence.
So now that I’m stuck under life’s debris,
I embrace that I’m drawn to madness.
- At least I do.
In the beginning,
I had started out as someone’s archangel.
After scads of sinning,
I became a demon in the city of angels.
And so they say,
Tongue is the man’s deadliest weapon.
That to me is a cliché, since,
My mind is the most destructive weapon.
Now for years I’ve been,
Pretending to be just all right.
“I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.”
Unaware that this statement is utter trite.
Life is really slipping away,
From the grips of my fingers.
While I’m stuck in this play,
Of fleeing from a bottomless abyss.
As I am devoured by nothingness,
The darkness in me is revealing itself.
And this facade of happiness,
Is fading as the shadow is self embracing itself.
Wondering, is my life really a chaos,
Or is it just all in my head.
Perhaps add another knot to the noose,
Dress it around and go ahead.
I don’t feel pain anymore and,
I don’t feel happiness anymore.
I don’t feel sadness anymore and,
Believe me I just want you to ignore.
And often times on a stroll,
I am accompanied by a traveler.
A gloomy passenger who takes control,
Of me. And when he does it all appears better.
I had also wished,
For a normal and sane existence.
But I am to be blamed,
For all the wrongs and the resistance.
Now I’m drifting to sleep,
So will you write me a eulogy?
And I only ask you to keep,
Me with you, without all the lunacy.
another day, another year. same old me, same old story. i still feel like i am falling in this endless pit of self destruction. preparing myself for the big sleep to come along. it feels like i am drowning but drowning into nothingness. there is nothing around me but darkness. and i am running out of breath every second. i can feel my throat closing up on me as i fight, fight and i fight for another gasp of breath. one more taste of that lovely breath of life before i fall into this endless sleep, the inevitable sleep. and i am not afraid of lulling myself to this sleep.
i keep re-reading that letter you sent me. it breaks my heart every time and my eyes tear up. i wish i hadn’t mistreated you so much. i wish i had loved you just like you loved me. i wish i still had you. i wish i hadn’t pushed you away like i did. i wish i wasn’t an asshole to you. i wish you could feel the lump of stone beating in my chest. i wish you could feel the ecstasy that you brought along when you first walked into the empty halls of my mind. everywhere i look, i seem to stumble upon the shadow of you. you were the door to a better world. you were the switch to turn off the voices in my head. you were the flick of fingers that’d put a smile on my face. believe me, i am still living in the past where you and i were together like two sides of page. a page filled with memories of you and i, an imperfect tale. a tale about an angel and a demon, the two sides of a coin. i wish my love wasn’t flawed and i wish i hadn’t done all that injustice to you. and now when i need you, you’re nowhere to be found and i know the fault is mine.
everything seems to be fading into a blur as i reach to the bottom. it is scary here but somewhat comforting, though i still wish to be comforted by your embrace, by your eyes, by your smile, by your voice. i keep playing these tracks over and over, listening closely to your voice. i can feel you breaking with every word, breaking inside. the pain. the suffering. the hurt. i am to be blamed. i didn’t deserve someone like you. i deserved to be treated just how the first one did. you gave me all and i returned you nothing but hurt. kept testing you on every road and every corner. now you’re gone, you’re gone just like the winter wind. and i still hate myself, even more than ever. i hate that i pushed you away. i hate that i made you leave. i hate that i couldn’t give you what you were giving me: the love, the care and the attention.
i am conflicted and lost. i am in a constant fight with the chaos in my mind. i wish to see the light again, the light that you showed me. i wish i could be better. i wish i could be a better person, a better human, a better son, a better friend, a better lover. i wish to be the one i was before i lost myself to this madness. i wish you’d return and hold me. i wish you’d heal me of the poison in my head. i wish for a better tomorrow.
i wish for you. i wish for you. i wish for you.
There’s a photograph above the mantel,
Below I sit just in front of the fireplace.
Logs are burning and the fire’s churning,
And my thoughts dance kaleidoscopically.
My eyes are bleeding and face is drooping,
I feel mentally tired and utterly worn out.
And I confess I can’t keep fighting anymore,
This fight against the dark voice in my head.
These reverberations in my head, behind my eyes,
These notes aren’t loud, He always whispers.
Wanting to take over and have a name, an identity,
He wishes to be known and to eventually be heard.
I keep trying to escape the man behind my eyes,
But for me, woefully, freedom is my own enemy.
Now I feel defenseless and fucking terrified,
As He finally breaks out of this poisoned mind.
He left, hastily.
Leaving me downright unknown to myself,
Berefting of individuality.
Conquering my mind ‘n lastly freeing himself.
So this is how it feels to slip into nothingness.
To succumb yourself to pain. To kill yourself.
To be void of feelings. To be emotionless.
To be a part of the abyss. To be wholly useless.
To tread onto the dark path of self destruction.
To lose a war against that voice in your head.
To make Him be the reason of your bleeding eyes.
To bestow identity to an entity with obscured eyes.
He climbs out of my body and steps into the fire,
I sense him pacing away slowly ‘n, I losing my vision.
He stares, I sense. Then he vanishes into the thin air,
Finally two moving eyes appear into the blank canvas.
Wanna kill yourself with me?
And now I’ve finally reached over 육십 days,
Without you, but I don’t think I’ll ever be fine.
You know just like they say, “your crimes pay”,
Feels like I’m finally crossing over my fine-line.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m lost in my head,
Stuck in a war between my feelings ‘n my thoughts.
And I continue to fail on my attempts to move ahead,
Now I’m ready to hang as I tie all these extra knots.
So I guess we were not what we thought we were,
‘Cause I am the only one who’s fucked up enough.
I wish you had defied me when I forced you to defer,
And how on your wrists, I slapped on the handcuffs.
So another day, another hour; I drown myself,
Into the darkness, the sadness and the hatred.
Unaware of the fact that I took you along with me,
Admitting this hateful personality of yours I created.
I remember telling you that I needed you before,
And now, behind my words I’m attempting to hide.
So now whenever I open my eyes, you are no more,
And I wish to pretend we were like Bonnie ‘n Clyde.
"Posso sentire il tuo respiro. Posso sentire la mia morte. Voglio conoscerti. Voglio vedere. Voglio dire ciao."
I find myself floating in an ocean of endless,
Endless lies, regrets, heartbreaks and sorrows.
I can’t prevent myself from getting breathless,
So now I’m drowning in and my throat narrows.
And now I’m slowly falling into this abyss,
As the darkness steadily devours me into itself.
The ocean is weirdly quiet with a certain bliss, ‘n,
I am plummeting closer to the continental shelf.
I squint my eyes observing the bubbles coming out,
Slowly and steadily emptying myself out of my breath.
I shut my eyes close as you reach to me in my mind,
Holding out your hand and offering me an easy death.
And like the guardian angel you were supposed to be,
Offering me an easy way out just to end my suffering.
I wish someone understood how much my head’s killing me
Nobody but you realize how much this pain’s crippling.
So I tried for you, I tried to live my life for you,
And I failed at living life and now I can’t strive.
I can’t help myself but regret all the chances I blew,
So now you see, I am truly dead but still alive.
Inside I’m severely wounded and hurt but I’m trying,
And believe me when I say, without you, I can’t see.
I’m totally lost in my own head and I’m always crying,
Now I’m wishing you’d understand and come find me.
” c u r e g o s u m v i v e n s ? “
It is 11-O-3 now and I’m still very alone,
But I never thought this would happen.
I’m sitting cold and my heart’s turned to stone,
My eyes hurt and head’s bursting like a cannon.
Every night I lay in my bed thinking of you,
Remembering the memories ‘n good times.
When I made you leave; you bid me adieu,
So now I am paying for all my crimes.
Now I am paranoid; much more than ever,
And my mind ‘n body are calling for a truce.
I’m falling into a void ‘n my meaning’s getting lesser,
My mind’s getting foggy as I am tightening the noose.
I hope you’d believe me when I tell you this,
Your soul and your smile are a work of art.
Your presence is ecstatic and your voice bliss,
And every time you laugh, you pilfer my heart.
My life’s dull, eyes blur and colors they lack,
Also, missing are all the stars from my sky.
On 12-O-9, you swore you’d never come back,
So now my only question to you is, “w h y?”
"q u i d t i b i e s t ?"