Bonnie ‘n Clyde

And  now I’ve finally reached over 육십 days,

Without you, but I don’t think I’ll ever be fine.

You know just like they say, “your crimes pay”,

Feels like I’m finally crossing over my fine-line.

 

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m lost in my head,

Stuck in a war between my feelings ‘n my thoughts.

And I continue to fail on my attempts to move ahead,

Now I’m ready to hang as I tie all these extra knots.

 

So I guess we were not what we thought we were,

‘Cause I am the only one who’s fucked up enough.

I wish you had defied me when I forced you to defer,

And how on your wrists, I slapped on the handcuffs.

 

So another day, another hour; I drown myself,

Into the darkness, the sadness and the hatred.

Unaware of the fact that I took you along with me,

Admitting this hateful personality of yours I created.

 

I remember telling you that I needed you before,

And now, behind my words I’m attempting to hide.

So now whenever I open my eyes, you are no more,

And I wish to pretend we were like Bonnie ‘n Clyde.

 



"Posso sentire il tuo respiro.
Posso sentire la mia morte.
Voglio conoscerti.
Voglio vedere.
Voglio dire ciao."


 

 

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c o m e f i n d m e

I find myself floating in an ocean of endless,

Endless lies, regrets, heartbreaks and sorrows.

I can’t prevent myself from getting breathless,

So now I’m drowning in and my throat narrows.

 

And now I’m slowly falling into this abyss,

As the darkness steadily devours me into itself.

The ocean is weirdly quiet with a certain bliss, ‘n,

I am plummeting closer to the continental shelf.

 

I squint my eyes observing the bubbles coming out,

Slowly and steadily emptying myself out of my breath.

I shut my eyes close as you reach to me in my mind,

Holding out your hand and offering me an easy death.

 

And like the guardian angel you were supposed to be,

Offering me an easy way out just to end my suffering.

I wish someone understood how much my head’s killing me

Nobody but you realize how much this pain’s crippling.

 

So I tried for you, I tried to live my life for you,

And I failed at living life and now I can’t strive.

I can’t help myself but regret all the chances I blew,

So now you see, I am truly dead but still alive.

 

Inside I’m severely wounded and hurt but I’m trying,

And believe me when I say, without you, I can’t see.

I’m totally lost in my own head and I’m always crying,

Now I’m wishing you’d understand and come find me.

 


” c u r    e g o    s u m    v i v e n s ? “


CREDITS TO THE CREATOR OF THE SONG

w h y ?

It is 11-O-3 now and I’m still very alone,

But I never thought this would happen.

I’m sitting cold and my heart’s turned to stone,

My eyes hurt and head’s bursting like a cannon.

 

Every night I lay in my bed thinking of you,

Remembering the memories ‘n good times.

When I made you leave; you bid me adieu,

So now I am paying for all my crimes.

 

Now I am paranoid; much more than ever,

And my mind ‘n body are calling for a truce.

I’m falling into a void ‘n my meaning’s getting lesser,

My mind’s getting foggy as I am tightening the noose.

 

I hope you’d believe me when I tell you this,

Your soul and your smile are a work of art.

Your presence is ecstatic and your voice bliss,

And every time you laugh, you pilfer my heart.

 

My life’s dull, eyes blur and colors they lack,

Also, missing are all the stars from my sky.

On 12-O-9, you swore you’d never come back,

So now my only question to you is, “w h y?”

 




"q  u  i  d    t  i  b  i    e  s  t  ?"

credits to the creator of the song


 

İkinci Cinayet

Curtains shudder as the wind blows,

Past them and into the room,

Bird chirp as the leaves flow,

And sunlight makes the flowers bloom.

In the center of the room is a bed,

The sheets; white and so are the pillows.

Inches away I sit on a chair instead,

Vision blurred and my face sallow.

Shaking my head as I attempt,

To bring my senses back and then,

The needle in my hand pokes against,

Against my hard and comatose skin.

The room is awfully bright and there’s,

A weird sense of aroma flowing through,

Utterly familiar; into me it brings a fear,

Sitting amidst blood; the fear outgrew.

The room’s empty in my head,

But there’s a lifeless body on the bed,

Desiccated of blood and soul,

Faceless and not so whole.

Hands brutally severed and,

Body stripped entirely bare,

Pool of blood on the sheet and,

Pints of blood on the floor.

Tongue missing from the mouth,

And socket of the eyes hollow,

A stake through the mouth and,

Written on wall was ‘FOLLOW.’

A strange feeling comes over me,

As I stare at the faceless figure,

A feeling of closeness ‘n affection,

So familiar and known, as if a mirror.

Wondering if this my life is,

Just a violent destroyer,

Innocent looking; still destroying,

People’s life and happiness.

Happiness of everyone around,

Everyone very close to me,

Everyone who cares for me,

Everyone who dares to love me,

Everyone who sees a friend in me,

Everyone who finds hope in me,

Everyone who tries to heal me,

I break ’em, wreck ’em ‘n scar them.

Killing the human in them,

Traumatizing ’em mentally,

And emotionally, and this,

Humane look a mere facade.

Then very soon the drugs kick in, ‘n,

My heart starts to beat haphazardly,

My body starts to shiver ‘n convulse,

And the needle falls out of my hand.

And my head arches back suddenly,

Then my eyes roll back into my head,

And my face gazes up at the ceiling,

As my hands clench the armrest.

Groaning loudly, I, as the,

Blood starts gushing out my eyes,

‘N my pulse goes crazy, and I,

Start slipping into unconsciousness.

Just then the figure stands up,

Stands up and walks over to me,

As she stands right in front of me,

Extracting the stake out her mouth.

She trusses the stake into my chest,

And I look at her faceless profile, ‘n,

She leans closer ‘n kisses my mouth,

Pushing the stake even more instead.

My eyes roll back, as my body,

Stops convulsing and I look,

At the faceless being, as she slowly,

Begins dissipating ‘n fading away.

I gasp ‘n fight for breaths, as I,

Spew out blood, black and thick,

Rolling down the sides o’ my cheeks,

And my body falls onto the floor.

I take my very last breaths,

Realizing the blood in the room,

Is my own blood and I,

Close my eyes; passing into oblivion.

This is my ‘İkinci’, the second,

Another ‘cinayet’, but not the end.

Dying Star

Confined within my thoughts,

Isolated within these walls,

Hearing voices inside my head,

Could you torch me up instead?

Unable to comprehend love anymore,

Lost in the abyss of my head somewhere,

Stuck in an endless dream, aren’t I?

Continuing to wonder who am I?

Now everything in my vision,

A little black and a little grey,

Penning down these words,

Wondering why didn’t I stay?

Words rhyme in my head as the,

Music fades in and out and,

My head grooves to the melody,

Now music’s my only catharsis.

Anxiety has caged in my reality,

Happiness is a mere formality.

Darkness has made me a prisoner,

Memories have made me even weaker.

Now the night is cold and silent,

And I’m dousing like a dying star,

Pondering, should I continue to pretend?

Or, should I give up in this war?

 


 


 

i will be okay ~

The Butterfly

Lying in the shade of a tree,

With my eyes closed, as I,

Yearn to find calm ‘n peace,

Pondering about life ‘n reality,

Sun shines brightly in the sky,

And flowers bloom in the distance,

Yet my mind seems to be troubled,

Troubled with thoughts of nihility.

Opening my eyes, as I look across,

Across the green field,

Full of flowers, leaves ‘n grass.

Into the darkness as my mind wanders,

Questioning if it would be fair to end,

To end it all ‘n simply cease to exist,

As my individuality ‘n soul maunder.

I push the thoughts away, as I,

Shake my head and look out,

Out into the endless field o’ greenery,

A greenery so exuberant ‘n lively.

Squinting my eyes as I,

Rivet my gaze onto the flying,

The flying butterfly.

A small happy creature,

Full of life and color,

Full of joy and energy,

Full of amazement and simplicity.

Fluttering its wings in the air,

It flies past above me, as it,

Leaves me awestruck, surprisingly.

My eyes stay stuck on it,

As it flies past me, merrily,

Landing on one flower to another,

Giving life to lifeless, giving raw to obsolete.

I get up as my feet start following,

The little creature, watching it move ahead,

Watching it give birth to dead,

As if it may as well be the Resurrector itself.

Putting 2 ‘n 2 together as I realize,

It’s not just a little creature, rather,

It’s the Healer – the Messiah itself, ‘n here,

Here to remit my life ‘n soul back.

The butterfly lands on a grass petal,

Exposing it’s beauty and charm.

Luring me in; to touch, to explore,

Begging me to traverse through itself.

My heart thumps loudly, as I,

Extend towards the Healer; attempting to,

To touch it, to explore it, to scrutinize it.

As I get up-n-close with it,

My heart skips a beat, and,

My body starts turning to dust,

Descending ‘n plummeting to the ground.

Momentarily I look down to find, my body,

My body vanishing into thin air,

Dust flowing away, exposing the ground beneath.

My fingers touch the wings then,

As I look back up towards it,

Finding it to transform in a shadow, as it,

Disappears into the white light o’ the sun.

Vanishes into nothingness, my body,

As the dust falls onto the ground,

It turns to ash; black and lifeless,

I turned into nothingness again,

Born from ash, returned to ash.

Is this my fate? I wonder.

Is this my destiny? I wonder.

Is this my end? I wonder.

Is this my…? I wonder.

The butterfly flutters its wings, as it,

Flies into the sky; happily and cheerfully.

Vanishing into the light before,

Soaring right back through the air,

And, falling to its death into the ash,

Yet giving life to lifeless; one last time.

 


 

~ you were the butterfly.

A letter to…

Dear you,

Someday, somewhere, sometime, we all come across someone in our life who, we believe, is the one made for us. Someone who makes sense of everything they do, everything they say and everything they think. It all just seems right and it all makes you not want to question it. Someone who understands you more than anyone ever has, someone who sees the real you in yourself and holds onto it; and never lets go. Someone who truly makes you happy without even trying to do so, someone who makes you feel content of your life and your decisions. Decisions that led you to that ‘someone’. Decisions that you will never regret.

When you look at that ‘someone’, you feel like your life is complete and that it will never be gloomy again. You feel like you have found the key to live a long, happy and prosperous life. You feel like you have found your soulmate, your partner, the other half of you. Someone who fits beside you perfectly in that jigsaw puzzle we call ‘life’. We wish to hold onto that someone forever and ever. We wish to be a part of their life just like they are a part of ours. We wish to be their ‘someone’, who they would want to spend the rest of their lives with. For me, you are that ‘someone’. I know you are not my first, but I promise you that you’d my last and I will cherish and love you forever and ever, until I’m alive. I know that I have made a lot of mistakes and I have done a lot of wrong things that I shouldn’t have and yet, you have forgiven me for all of those things.

I know that I am not a good person and you try your best to make me one, to show me the right path, to stop me from doing wrong things; all out of pure love and affection. I know that I haven’t treated you fairly, I haven’t loved you back enough, I haven’t been honest with you like I should have, yet you hold onto me with hope glistening in your eyes. It feels like someone’s stabbing me every time my actions or my words hurt you. I never want them to hurt you, I don’t intend to hurt you, it just… it happens. I know that I am a messed up soul and a very bad human being, yet you do not wish to give up on me. I don’t know what you see in me which makes you want to hold on even more; but I am glad you see something in me. You are the only one who has chosen to see good in me even though I’m full of wrongdoings and lies and hatred and betrayal. Even though I am glad that you have chosen me and you still choose to hold on, I wish… I wish you hadn’t. I wish you had chosen someone else because I would never be able to give you all you want and all that I have promised to give you. I am a lost soul trying to find light but I keep stumbling towards darkness even more, every day and every time. I wish that I could keep you happy and give you a life you deserve. But with me, it’ll never be able to happen. I hope that the good part of me doesn’t give up on you and keeps holding on just like you do, because it would kill me to see you cry. It would kill me to see your heart break into pieces as I would leave. I know I am not the best for you, and I know I will never be able to be the best for you, but what can I do now? I’ve held onto you and I cannot let go because losing you is like losing my sanity. I wish someday, somewhere, sometime, your heart decides to let go because that will be the best for you. You will be happier with someone else; trust me when I say this.

I will always love you and care about you. You are my eternity and I hope you forgive me.

Yours and just yours,

~